Sanity Hearing

End the Non-Twist Off Madness in 2004

There is an important issue that I have been passionate about for sometime that I would like to bring to the forefront of the national debate at this time. I know what you are thinking: gay marriage? stem cell research? No, my friends, something far far more important: non-twist off beer bottles. This vile demon has plagued my existence for too long and wreaked havoc on the beer drinking public. We must put an end to its reign of terror.

The source of the problem seems to be that beer companies seem to equate the twist off bottle cap on a beer bottle with the screw top on a wine bottle, which has long been associated with cheap wino-wine (i.e. Carlo Rossi, Mad Dog 20/20- Derek, you know what I am talking about). Beer companies that believe they produce an upscale product refuse to place the twist off top on their beer bottles because they believe that somehow this would be analagous to the screw top cap on crappy wine. However, the stigma against the screw to bottle cap is just plain wrong and outdated. First of all- it's beer people! Not wine- beer. Frasier and Niles will not be swirling around the beer in expensive crystal glasses and the swishing it around in their mouths making comments that include words like "bouquet." No- beer that does not come out of a keg will most likely be enjoyed by normal hard working americans like you and I who value technology and convienience, both of which the twist off top offers.

The non-twist off bottle is obviously the result of the big-wigs in the bottle opener industry and their lobbyists. If the twist off appeared on every beer bottle across the U.S. suddenly key chain space and silverware drawer slots would open up everywhere, but the bottle opener companies would have to board up their doors. Although the bottle opener people have sold us on the idea that somehow the non-twist off is "high class" how many times have you seen people resort to using such extreme and barbaric methods as using a disposable lighter or even their teeth to open a non-twist off. Recently and attractive girl even told me that sometimes after she has had a few Heinekens she may forget that the dutch import is in fact a non-twist off and she attempts to open using her hand, often resulting in cuts and scratches on her hands- I'm sorry but this just isn't the America I know and love people- good looking (slightly tipsy) women should not be hurting themselves while attempting to enjoy another alcoholic beverage.

We need to make a change people. We need to stop the INSANITY and end the non-twist off madness.

The three stages of an at work hangover: A comprehensive analysis

The three stages of an at work hangover: A comprehensive analysis.
By: DEREK

Sometimes people get drunk and have to go to work the next day. So here is my analysis of the hangover.

Stage 1: The morning:

Initially you wake up and try to trick yourself. "I don't feel that bad" you say aloud. Boy, are you wrong. By about half way through your shower when you realize you are sitting down is about when it kicks in. Those bud lites from last night are back to haunt you and you feel really really bad. But you bite the bullet and get ready for work. Oh and did i mention you are 20 mins late. Happy Friday!

Stage 2: Arrival at work.

This is the best part of the hangover in retrospect. You feel awful, you walk in late and every single co worker of yours knows what's up. Maybe its because you smell like a keg. Some people try to hide the hangover. But seriously the stain on your shirt from the eye drops, the squinty eyes, the slouched shoulders and untucked shirt...its a sure give away.

Oh and did i mention the smell.

Anyway, my advice is to go with it. It makes the day much more entertaining.

People always ask "so, how you doing?" expecting you to lie. Don't. Chose from one of these entertaining options:

1) "Awful, i think i drank all the beer in (fill in your city here) last
night"
2) my brothers personal favorite: "I'm wasted"
3) "I am going to die"
4) "kill me please"

Trust me, people will appreciate your honesty and, more importantly, they will find you entertaining. Btw, this is especially good if people work for you...they will respect you a lot more. Trust me, everyone has been there before.

Also, make jokes about how bad you feel all day long. People will think you are a lot funnier.

Stage 3: The rollercoaster

This is the worst phase of the hangover and there is no avoiding it. This is like being strapped to a rollercoaster blindfolded. You know there are ups and downs, you just don't know when its coming. Everyone knows what this is like. Sweating, upset stomach, computer screen moving, metallic taste in your mouth, phone ringing 50 decibels higher than normal. So i won't go into it.

I just finished this stage today, it was horrible. As my brother often puts it..."I feel like a civil war battle is going on in my body, North vs. South. And both sides are taking heavy casualties."

Stage 4: Acceptance.

This usually comes sometime after lunch. You have had about 90 glasses of water and still haven't visited the rest room. You have had something to eat...which took you about 45 mins to get down because you had to eat so slow to keep it from coming back up. And finally you accept that you feel like carrot top looks and you are just going to deal with it and try to be slightly productive.

In conclusion:

Hangovers suck.

The Three Phases of the Summer Internship: A Comprehensive Analysis

This summer I had a summer internship in the general counsel's office of a major university. It was an awesome experience where I learned a lot about the legal profession. I noticed though, that the internship could be divided into three main phases which I would like to outline in order for my readers to maximize their future intern experiences.

Stage one:

This is when you first get the job and move into the office. You are still meeting people and getting used to the office. You basically know where nothing is or how to do much of anything, so you spend a lot of time asking questions and apologizing for not doing things correctly. During this phase people are nice to you, but in a polite sort of way. Since you are new, you and the rest of the office are still basically strangers and simultaneously both you and the people in the office are forming impressions of each other.

During this stage in my internship I was still fairly intimidated by the attorneys in the office. Although I used a lot of humor/self-deprecating humor to ingratiate myself to the attorneys during this period, the truth was it was still a trial period for both of us: the attorneys would ask me to do something without adequate explanation, I would do my best to do the what I thought they wanted, I would come back to them and they would point out what I did wrong, I would point out I did not know any better and make some sort of joke, they would laugh and we would sort things out.

This period of the internship is probably the most anxiety filled. You obviously want to impress your superiors at the summer internship, but you are still do not have a complete picture of what their personalities are and what they expect from you. For me this summer, it took longer with some of the attorneys than others. For example, my most demanding boss was the one I came to understand the most quickly- she is a demanding perfectionist who questions everything and criticizes everyone’s work, including her own. On the attorney who is the most laid back took until the last week to really understand completely. At first I thought he was totally quiet and talked to no one, then I thought he was in a chronically bad mood all the time, and finally I realized that he just did not like to talk about work very much. Once we started talking about sports, women, and life outside the office I think we started to have a better understanding of each other.

Stage Two:

Stage two is when, for the most part, most of the people in the office are at least comfortable with you and introductions are now a thing of the past. At this stage of the internship you are no longer anxious, but the job does become stressful because you can no longer use the beloved “I didn’t know any better,” excuse.

For me during this phase it became more common for the attorneys to ask me to do things that were down right unreasonable, like getting a copy of a court case from superior before a 10 o’clock meeting when it was already 9:15 (it wasn’t at the courthouse so I ended up having to drive to Pawtucket- in the end I made it back before 10). Although this is definitely the most stressful period of the internship, it is also when you learn the most. Despite what some people might have you believe, you learn the most from failures, mishaps, arguments, challenges, and hopefully the occasional success. The middle stage of the summer internship ends up being when this type of stuff happens, in part because it is when your superiors begin to start giving you enough rope to hang yourself if you do not succeed.

Stage 3:

The final stage of the internship is definitely the most enjoyable. For one thing you have now spent forty hours a week with everyone in the office for the last few months and you are now more friendly than at any other point in the internship, I believe in some part due to the fact that they know you’ll be leaving soon. In my situation during the last stage things were most friendly with the one man who is an attorney in the office, joking about sports and talking about craigslist, while at the same time things were most affable between my most demanding boss and me, I think due to the fact I had finally proved myself to her.

In Conclusion:
Overall the summer internship is a great experience because unlike a real job the stages are all planned out ahead of time. You probably will not get fired, but you do need to work hard to learn something/get something out of it and you probably want a recommendation. I am glad I will not be working at my internship full time after this, but I admit I will miss the attorneys that I met and the people in the office.

Internet Pizza

Initially the idea of pizza that I could order off the internet had me extremely excited. It seemed like the ultimate marriage of technology and convienience. Imagine: I could sit at my office and quietly choose my the delicious toppings for my gourmet lunch, *click* place the order, and the piping hot pizza would arrive at my apartment just as I got comfortable on my lunch break.

However, in the end internet pizza left me disappointed and disillusioned. Although I placed the order at 11:50, the pizza didn't get there until 12:50, ten minutes before the end of my break. In addition, the pizza was far smaller than I had expected and on top of that either they had made a mistake with my order or I had failed to understand the somewhat complicated online ordering system that aparently you need a masters in computer science to figure out.

Lesson learned: much like the tech boom of the nineties, my hopes for the internet far overshadowed reality. Next time I'll use a 20th century invention that seems to work a lot more seamlessly: the telephone.

Counter Point

Why John Kerry will be elected President. AKA- The candidate I would rather have a beer with, a close race.

By Derek

I have long held by the principle that in general many people vote for the presidential candidate because of one criteria, which guy they would rather have a beer with. Obviously this doesn't apply to people that are "activists" or "involved". But when it comes down to your run of the mill average folks...its which candidate would be better to grab a beer with.

So, as I represent that class of people I think I will speak for them.

Basically, here is the deal: this is going to be a very close race, but in the end, Kerry wins by a nose.

Why? Well, I'm glad you asked.

Basically this is a fight between college bender stories and war stories and in the end war stories are going to win by a hair.

Dubya, now this guy was a party animal back in his day. And while personally I don't agree with his policies, I get the idea that he is a pretty likeable guy. Plus he could probably talk about baseball and football with a certain degree of knowledge that one can only get from a guy that is running the most powerful nation in the world and still has time to play fantasy football.

Basically, even as a Democrat, I'm saying that I wouldn't pass up the opportunity to throw a few back with Bush (even though Bush gave up on drinking...which as a functional alcoholic I have a problem with, would you give up on your country like you gave up on the bottle? and where is the media these days instead of asking these tough questions?...but i digress). This guy partied like a rock star in his heydey and I bet he has the stories to prove it. It is a tempting option.

Kerry on the other hand. Well, he gets points because he is a Sox fan and a big hockey fan. I'm sure he would be fun to b.s. with about this stuff (even though I am fully aware he called Manny Ortiz his favorite Sox player....which leads me to wonder, how great of a hitter would a morphed ManRam-DO be...it would seriously be sick). Anyway, Kerry is also a little high on the horse, if you know what I mean. He is an intellectual and a policy wonk. Usually not the best guy to grab a beer with, except that Kerry has one thing going for him....war stories.

I always really respected people who were in war. They are proven men and women. But more importantly, I have never had a drink with a guy that had been fired upon by a hostile enemy that didn't have some amazing story. So, I'll have to go with Kerry on this one.

Plus in the end, wouldn't it be great to reenact the Jason Schwartzman/Bill Murray scene from Rushmore with Kerry?

Me: "So, were you in the Shit"
Kerry: "Yeah I was in the Shit"

Priceless.

So that's, my call, Kerry by a hair.

Why George W. Bush is going to be re-elected President

Personally, I do not really want to see the president re-elected for a variety of reasons. However, it seems obvious to me the John Kerry has absolutely no guts to say anything contraversial at all or to even mention what he will do differently as president. Basically Kerry hopes the "not-Bush" vote will get him elected. I've got news for you John, it's not going to happen.

Basically it all boils down to one simple thing: Bush is better looking. I'm not saying he is Brad Pitt or anything, but Bush is a better looking guy than Kerry and the truth is that the American public is remarkably shallow.

I know there is a plethora of various internet sites and email forwards out there that compare bush to a monkey, and while I'll admit he does have some monkey-like features, he doesn't look that much like a monkey. Plus, monkeys are sort of cute, so maybe this even works to Bush's advantage. In addition, when those 5 guys from "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" were interviewed on Conan O'Brien they said that their dream makeover would be Dubya. I'm not sure why the desire of these five gay men to makeover Bush spells better looks in my mind, but despite the lack of a rational explanation, I'm going with my gut on this one and saying it means Bush has some sort of attractive quality. I think Bush also looks fairly good for his age, probably due to his running, frequent naps, weekends in that country air at the ranch in Crawford, and an overall lack of stress/hard work.

Kerry on the other hand looks like the talking tree from one of those Rainforest Cafe type places in the mall. The man also does nothing to make up for his tree-like appearance with his general demeanor, in fact most people are quick to discribe him as longwinded, stiff, and generally just boring. In addition I get the distinct impression he has a uni-brow that he (badly) shaves off Michael Dukakis-style, another Boston democrat running against a Bush, and we all know how things turned out for that guy. My mother also claims that both Kerry and his wife recently had a ton of botox injections in order to look less wrinkly. Whether or not the botox did it's job, it mostly just freaks me out. I mean when I think of botox I want to think of singing sensation Kylie Minogue, not the leader of the free world.

In the end, Bush comes off looking better- literally. and that is why he will win in November.

You've got mail

I've got 5 more Gmail invites. Email me if you want one.

View from the West Side

The following is a "guest post" by Derek. I may add Derek on as an additional author, but in this page's infancy I am just going to post his article below. Hope you enjoy.
-JP

Starbucks Anxiety

I could feel the beads of sweat forming on my brow in the air-conditioned lobby. It was a hot sunny day out side and I had stepped in to the shop on my companion's bequest. Now, I was standing at the front of what had been a long line. The air was filled with the rich smell of coffee beans, which for a moment settled my nerves.

Then, there I was. Standing at the counter. Staring at a board full of information that I couldn't process. Grande, Tall, Latte, Expresso, Chai, I was speechless. Unsure, insecure, and timid, I ordered a water. My companion, on the other hand, ordered something with caramel and whip-cream with a name so confusing that I dare not even attempt to spell it here. I gave them a ten-dollar bill and then gave me $1.72 in return. I left the two pennies on the table (as my life is now penny free) and gave my hand to my companion who led me out of the bistro and back into the warm light. As she said, in a disappointed tone "I wish you had tried the (mochalatteexpressochaicicle), I think you would really have liked it.".

This, my friends, was my Starbucks experience from last weekend.

I try, once a year to class myself up, have a cup from Starbucks, and every year I fail. You see. I just can't do it. I can't figure out how to order, I can't figure out what to order, and if I do pick something I have no idea what it is.

Therefore, I am proposing that the Seattle based company publish a cheat sheet to Starbucks, capitalizing on the recent success of the "For Dummies" Books. That's right folks, "Starbucks for Dummies". Think what a great ploy that would be, think how many sophisticated women will buy it for their Red Sox obsessed boyfriends.

It wouldn't actually have to be a real book, just a cheat sheet. That said things like "If you want a large cup of coffee order….x" or "An ice coffee type drink is a …..x"

All I am talking about is leveling the playing field. You see here is the thing. My impression is that Starbucks must be really good. It is always packed. JP, for instance, he drinks Starbucks and loves it and he and I
agree on most things. So why should guys like me not be able to enjoy what others find delightful simply because of our own insecurities and unculturedness. Yes, I just made up a word.

Anyway, I think we should start a petition or something, because I'm going to need a Starbucks cheat-sheet. More importantly, I really do want to impress this girl.

In the meantime, I'll be at Dunkin' Donuts pondering why they always change the side the men's section is on at the gap so I always end up looking at women's jeans. I guess that is a story for another day….

------
Derek lives in Connecticut and is a frequent contributor to Sanity Hearing. He loves the Boston Red Sox, the NFL and his yellow car. That's right, he actually drives a yellow car.

Competition

Ladies and gentlemen, Derek has threatened to start his own page after seeing the birth of this site.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

New links

Just an FYI- I've added a link to Michael's page. Michael works in my office and seems to have an insane amount of knowledge about the music scene around Providence and Boston. Check it out.