There is an important issue that I have been passionate about for sometime that I would like to bring to the forefront of the national debate at this time. I know what you are thinking: gay marriage? stem cell research? No, my friends, something far far more important: non-twist off beer bottles. This vile demon has plagued my existence for too long and wreaked havoc on the beer drinking public. We must put an end to its reign of terror.
The source of the problem seems to be that beer companies seem to equate the twist off bottle cap on a beer bottle with the screw top on a wine bottle, which has long been associated with cheap wino-wine (i.e. Carlo Rossi, Mad Dog 20/20- Derek, you know what I am talking about). Beer companies that believe they produce an upscale product refuse to place the twist off top on their beer bottles because they believe that somehow this would be analagous to the screw top cap on crappy wine. However, the stigma against the screw to bottle cap is just plain wrong and outdated. First of all- it's beer people! Not wine- beer. Frasier and Niles will not be swirling around the beer in expensive crystal glasses and the swishing it around in their mouths making comments that include words like "bouquet." No- beer that does not come out of a keg will most likely be enjoyed by normal hard working americans like you and I who value technology and convienience, both of which the twist off top offers.
The non-twist off bottle is obviously the result of the big-wigs in the bottle opener industry and their lobbyists. If the twist off appeared on every beer bottle across the U.S. suddenly key chain space and silverware drawer slots would open up everywhere, but the bottle opener companies would have to board up their doors. Although the bottle opener people have sold us on the idea that somehow the non-twist off is "high class" how many times have you seen people resort to using such extreme and barbaric methods as using a disposable lighter or even their teeth to open a non-twist off. Recently and attractive girl even told me that sometimes after she has had a few Heinekens she may forget that the dutch import is in fact a non-twist off and she attempts to open using her hand, often resulting in cuts and scratches on her hands- I'm sorry but this just isn't the America I know and love people- good looking (slightly tipsy) women should not be hurting themselves while attempting to enjoy another alcoholic beverage.
We need to make a change people. We need to stop the INSANITY and end the non-twist off madness.