Dear Stapler in the Library,
On at least 4 or 5 occasions now I have run into you as I have run to the front of the library, usually with a foot thick stack of collated law review articles or maybe some copies I made for my part time job. There I find you, nestled among the other paper binding and organization implements including the paper clips and the heavy duty stapler that sometimes jams and often stabs me.
At first, I gave you the benefit of the doubt. I thought- maybe it's me, maybe I am not pressing hard enough. So for a while I jammed you down to make staples with near steroid rage force. However, this method proved ineffective. You revolted against my aggression by jamming constantly and creating scrunched up deformed staples on one side of my pile of papers.
Although initially I thought the problem might be me, I have come to the conclusion that in fact- it's you. You simply are incapable of functioning at any time and in any way when I need you to, only forming properly shaped staples when I test-staple you in the air.
I have to be honest, I hate you. And for making me hate you, I hate you even more for reducing me to a real life "Milton" from Office Space as I demand that someone please replace you with a Swingline for crying out loud. I contemplated hiding you in the research librarian's top drawer the other night around 11:00 when the library was nearly deserted, but I feared that this might violate some sort of obscure honor code rule that would end up with a messy and potentially hazardous public trial before my peers and the Iron Fist of Patrick Cullinan.
So for now Library Stapler, I am forced to use the stapler that is made for 50+ sheets of paper. This option of course is unattractive at best since when I staple less than 20 sheets of paper together I get lovely metal points curling back through the top of the page and sometimes catching on my sweater or better yet puncturing my skin.
Now I realize how petty I must sound, complaining about a stapler. Plus, I must seem foolish for not appreciating your Ikea-esque upright design, which I secretly believe contributes to your malfunctioning. But the thing is, I just can't seem to get past the fact that the small fortune I pay to go to school here each year could have bought me a modest fleet of luxury automobiles by this point, yet the school seems to want to economize when it comes to something as absolutely vital to the functioning of a law school as a simple stapler. I mean, I would certainly understand if this was for example center for the advancement and study of telepathy and the need for stacks of loose leaf paper would obviously be frowned upon, but this is a law school. I see people 12 hours a day failing to staple things together at the front counter of the library- obviously there is a need for this type of thing.
I am not sure what your deal is Bostich Stapler. Maybe you were good once, maybe you worked like a charm back in the Clinton administration, but the bottom line is you are not doing your job any more and I cannot understand why you are still here-- do you have tenure or something?
Listen, if the school won't offer you some sort of generous buy out package for your time here, I suggest you make a run for it while you still have time. Exams are coming and papers are due soon. Law students can will reach the brink of sanity during this period and the chance of your *accidentally* falling into the toilet in the library bathroom is increasing daily. I suggest you make a break for it while you still can. I hear Mexico is lovely this time of year.
Also, I would appreciate it if you can take your friend the hole punch that can only punch through 5 sheets at a time.
Hasta La Vista,
65 Hope Street