Sanity Hearing

Final Final

It's late and I am bleary eyed.  Diet coke, iTunes, and a dull sense of dread are all that keep me lucid.  As I write this I am in the midst of my final (in the sense that it is the last one) exam in my law school career.  It is a 72 hour take home in Partnership and Corporate Tax, a class which while interesting at time, I generally found utterly confusing.

Somewhat ironically, tax has probably been my favorite subject in law school so obviously it was with a slow disappointment that I found myself more and more bewildered by this class.  But now, I find myself in the midst of the exam for this class- perhaps one of the most challenging I've ever taken and it happens to be the last one I will ever take.

I will not reveal any of the content of the exam, but in many ways it represents what attracts me most to tax and also what I feel is its biggest drawback.  On the one hand tax is essentially a very complex puzzle.  Each code section or rule combined with its regulations are like the holes into which the peg of your particular business or situation must fit into and what I enjoy is, for lack of a better phrase- the making of that peg fit into the right hole.  On the other hand, imagine that all these holes are interconnected and have effects on each other- like the teeth inside a lock- just because a key fits some of the teeth, does not mean the lock will open.  Often the situation becomes maddeningly complex because of some seemingly irrelevant detail.

It had not really even occurred to me until I was already halfway through that this was it.  It is ultimately an empty victory given the impending bar exam, but it's something.

I pulled out my copy of Hunter S. Thompson's Hell's Angels: A Strange and Terrible Saga today during a moment of distraction.  I had promised to loan it to a friend and I relished in the excuse to step away from the computer.  Flipping through the Post Script, something rang true tonight:

I agreed and wished them luck.  I wanted no part of it- not even with a shotgun.  I was tired, swollen and whipped.  My face looked like it had been jammed into the spokes of a speeding Harley, and the only thing keeping me awake was a broken rib.

It had been a bad trip... fast and wild in some momnets, slow and dirst in others, but on balance it looked like a bummer.  On my way back to San Francisco, I tried to compose a fitting epitaph.  I wanted something original, but there was no escaping the echo of Mistah Kurtz' final workds form the heart of darkness: "The horror!...Exterminate all the brutes!"

Don't Learn Anything?

This semester I am taking a class called Pre-Trial Practice.  It's essentially a mock-trial process, only it is the period prior to the trial as opposed to during the trial.  From what I have learned in my part time job as well as what every professor has ever told me, the time prior to trial is really the most important part of the legal process in this country.  For example, some incredibly small percentage like 5% of cases in the Federal court system actually go to trial.  In telling my friend Fitz about this class, a guy who works as a legal assistant doing much of this "pre-trial" practice every day, we remarked on how ironic it is that such a class as this would only be offered to 3rd or 2nd year law students, when arguably this is one of the most essential aspects of what a lawyer does on a day to day basis.

Fitz further said that from his experience, law school does not teach you a thing that you need to know for practice as a lawyer.  My attitude is somewhat more reserved than that, though I am tempted to agree with Fitz.  A lawyer I worked with this summer said that, "When you graduate from law school and pass the bar, you are not a lawyer.  You are a lawyer in training."  I actually told the career services dean at the law school that and he heartily agreed saying, "Yes, you are like medical interns at that point who are not really doctors until the residency is over."

In the last year of law school I find myself having strange thoughts about what I actually learned in law school.  My mom said something to me the other day about what I am, "learning," but the reality is that a lot of the time it feels less like an education and more like a hazing ritual.  If you survive you get into the club, if you don't...well then you better look for another job. 

For now I come to the conclusion that I try to learn as much as I can, but frequently what you actually learn from school or a job has a lot less to do with the text books and the tests, than with figuring out who you are and what you want to do.

0-60 in 2 seconds...

Going back to school after a break is always challenging.  After a couple weeks of free time, the ability to unwind a little bit, and spend quality time with those important to you, you generally start to feel your mood improve and the crippling back knots in your back begin to soften.  However, I will admit that as break ended, there were moments I felt bored and even depressed.  Maybe it is just a case of falling into the routine of years of school and work, or maybe I just secretly have a type-A personality, but part of me misses the grind a little bit- or maybe just the challenge.

However, as I return to school this week, the hardest thing for me is to hit the ground running at full speed.  The amount of stuff on my plate this semester is just out of control.  Last semester was probably one of the most challenging I have faced so far, and frankly this semester seems prospectivelyat least as  challenging.  In the shower this morning I was feeling a pang of guilt run through me for not being productive this week so far, not attacking the tasks at hand with the sort of wild dog-attacking-raw-meat mentality I know I need.  But then I realized, the truth is I have been working really hard, just not hard enough.

As I see it- it's a problem of acceleration.  Much like a car, your brain often takes a certain amount of time to get up to speed.  Unfortunately, I seem to be realizing my brain seems to be a diesel: extremely poor excelleration, but good towing capacity and fuel efficiency. 

As you can see, the same situation applies to the quality of writing on this blog.  I hope to do better as I get back into the swing of things.

Gripes with Grades Part II

About this time or so last year I wrote a post about my systemic problem with the whole idea of grading.  To summarize my feelings, I think we pretty much all know that grades are highly subjective measurements of whether students actually "learn" something from the classes they are taking.  Additionally, I posit that grades might even potentially be deterimental because they discourage creativity and true academic exploration, because students are most highly rewarded for focusing on a regurgitation of the material that the instructor is interested in, rather than a critical exploration of areas of the subject that are of interest to the student.

I still hold this belief, though I think in the past year I have increasingly been less concerned with toppling the system and instead just trying to work the system.  As grades have been coming in over the past few weeks I reminded again of how subjective grading can be.  During the fall semester I took a ridiculous 17 credits, while I maintained a part time job and worked as a research assistant.  I am not looking for sympathy, but merely trying to point out that I really had to economize the amount of time I spent working on each subject over the last couple of months.  In school today I stopped and spoke with one very smart classmate who was in my Real Estate Transactions class.  We both remarked that we had received B's (something I am pretty prowd of), but also how subjective the whole process was.  I had worked very hard on each of the projects assigned for this class, especially the last one which I did by myself while most people did the project as a group.  I definitely earned my grade in terms of the effort I put into each project.  On the other hand, I also recieved a C in my Banking Law class.  something which really chaps my ass.  On the one hand, I am happy I received a nice safe C.  However, when I thought about 1.  The fact that I knew much of what we studied in this class already from college, 2.  I could tell from the final presentations in this class that I knew more than about 80% of the people in this class about my topic, 3.  How much time and effort I put into my final paper and how all three of these things were cancelled out by the fact that the professor had some sort of mysterious dislike for me.

In the end, the subjectivity of grades can end up being a double edged sword.  I know I have received good grades because professors liked me or knew I had worked hard and although I realized how this might be "wrong,"  I smiled all the way to the bank.

Exam Time Post...whatever

So I have not posted in a while.  And yes, it is exam time- so likely you are expecting me to say something. 

Well, in a strange twist of fate my apartment was...burglarized on Sunday evening-- yet ironically nothing was taken from me and only a couple things of Matt's were taken.

Much like exam time-- I feel violated, but I realize things could be a lot worse.

Exam Time Post II

Technically, it's not really good ol' exam time.  But for me-- it basically already is.  At this point I have already had:
- Group project due (equivelent of an exam)
-22 page research paper due

and then today I had my mock trial.  Basically I am about halfway through what I personally have to do to get out of this semester alive.  Thus, as far as I am concerned-- this is exam time baby.

So- here's the round up on the mock trial for my army of fans out there:

I woke up this morning in a panic at 8:00 and sat outside the barber shop for 45 minutes drinking coffee so I could cut off my hippy locks.  Got establishment style haircut, returned home and slapped on suit, tied perfect windsor knot, hopped in car, called Wendy for good luck wishes, listened to "Jesus Walks," arrived at law school.  Awaited trial.

Basically it went like this- I got up and gave an opening which lasted about 15 minutes or so which I can sum up for you like this:
Arthur Morris= Not Guilty
Changing stories
Bad Witnesses
Bad Police Work
NO FREAKIN EVIDENCE
NOT GUILTY GODDAMNIT

I even had a nifty powerpoint presentation.  Obviously the jury was blinded by my amazing use of technology.  I really can't sum the whole thing up for you because frankly I could hardly even tell you what was going on while I was doing it.  It was as if my instinct took over in a whirlwind of "Objections!" and pleas that Arthur Morris didn't do it.

The judge was a major in the  Marine Jag corp  who  winked at me and slapped one of the prosecution guys on the back so hard on the way out he said he could still feel it.  All and all it was one of those rare challenging but also fun moments in law school.  As I left I felt a stange sensation of being completely exhausted but a little bit higher on adreniline than at the average exam.

The funniest parts of the whole experience for me were standing up to object when I wasn't even sure why I was objecting.  There was a certain point where my classmate Mike was trying to introduce some evidence and I kept objecting figuring I would just keep doing so until I was overruled.  It was amusing to me because I left class a few people laughed and told me I was "mean," which I suppose is worth noting because I guess people were not expecting that.

At this point, fair readers, I am about half way out as I mentioned.  Two take home exams and a "title search" project left.  It's crazy because I feel like this semester just started.  At the same time, I feel this has probably been one the most busy, most challenging, most stressful semesters so far-- ironically all in the name of getting the hell out of law school.

Ode to Exam Time

Blood vessels pop
Oh god
Classes I wish I had foresight to drop

17 credits
What was I thinking
A year ago I lacked motivation
Now there is less talk and more action
Have I found the wellspring of legal zeal?

First year seems like last night
Torts, contracts, legal methods
At the end of the tunnel- I  could not see the light

Now the marathon is almost over
If I just don't hit the wall
and the bill collectors delay their calls
Part time jobs pay in cash
Don't mess with the mob
unless they forget about you for a few weeks

David Bowie said
We're under pressure
learning to defend criminals
Researching banking law
Mock Trials
Business proposals evaluated
title searches
Admin and admiralty- thank god you are take homes
Am I too dramatic?
This is ourselves under pressure

Gutoff brought beer to make up class
best professor ever
Wendy whisks me away to Burlington
best girlfrield ever

Lexis points now buy me iTunes songs
Now my efforts as a research assistant
Will earn me something other than 6 bucks an hour
Another 10 hours a week
filled with free music at least

Late night phone calls
I'll still be up for a few more hours
Better get to sleep though
Got to get up early- tommorrow will be another 12 hour day

I'd like to shoot whoever gave me this cold
Mom says coldeeze
My body says can we go to sleep

Coffee, oh sacred coffee
In delicate paper cups with pictures on the side
Green mountain, Coffee Exchange, Jazzman's,
made at home in french press
Staining the bottom of cups dirt black
Making my breath smell like a percolator
Are you sure you didn't have too much coffee today?
How many did you have
Relax- I am fine, am fine, am fine

Songs fill the air as bags form under the eyes
Still take time for the weekend
Gotta make the quality time
But more and more find I am behind
How much will be enough?

It has begun.

Third Year

I feel cheated.  Everything I heard or read said that third year of law school was supposed to be really easy.  "After first year you can just coast along," I heard people say.  Yeah right. 

The only thing I will say is that against all odds I think I have become better at managing my time and a bit more organized at this point.  I am a lot better at prioritizing things, which I feel makes a big difference in my overall performance.  I know this sounds nuts to some people, but when the choice is between reading 100 pages for a class you won't get called on in or doing an assignment for a class that will be graded or doing research for a professor you work for-- you are more likely to do the latter two things first and take care of the hundred pages when you find more time.  As Derek said to me, "The secret to law school is figuring out what NOT to do."  sounds crazy to some people, but in my experience it's correct.  There are only so many hours in the day you can afford to work and still have some semblance of a life-- you have to pick and chose at some level.

I realize this page has at times served as my venting mechanism-- and hopefully some of you find that entertaining or at least informative if I never get the chance to call you any more.  As I wrote out my "to do" list for the day today it took up about three pages in my poor man's palm pilot (read: $1 note pad from CVS).  In terms of my sanity, I have to say I am actually really happy though.  Maybe that's being in a really good relationship, maybe it's knowing I have a great family that loves me, maybe it's just that I know that soon school will be over.  For the most part though-- I think there is a more depressing answer that fits a bit better with my personality:  When it comes down to it- I am a realist.  I know there are fights in life that cannot be won and things that simply are impossible to change.  I think somewhere in the last year or so it really set in that as challenging as school is, the level of work I have to deal with is highly unlikely to decrease unless I should become unemployed or win the lottery.  On top of that, I realize that I actually LIKE working hard.  It is true that I would prefer to be more creative, and it is true that I think law school, as a system, is highly flawed, but the reality is that I have no choice but to keep working for now if I want to get anywhere good-- if I want to keep having the opportunities that are probably one of the most important thing to me.

Things aren't getting any easier-- and I doubt they ever will.  But maybe, just MAYBE, I am getting a little better.

Senioritis

In college and high school people often refer to a phenomenon known as "senioritis".  The phenomenon supposedly is manifested in the behavior by seniors in their particular institution no longer working and generally just acting differently than other students because they know they are months away from graduation.

I do not really think this applies to law school at all.  However, I do sense that as a third year, you find yourself looking around law school with a different perspective on things that are unique to the fact that you are a "3L".  I could make a laundry list, but here are a few that have occurred to me recently as things I can no longer tolerate and ask everyone not to do:

Those rolling briefcases:  Seriously.  You are ridiculous for owning one of these unless you are an older woman with back problems.  No self respecting person uses one of these unless they have an absolutely tremendous amount of stuff to carry around and a complete and utter lack of self respect.  If you have any pride at all you have been carrying around your requisite 50 pounds of casebooks and by third year you will enter the legal world with a back of steel that will allow you to eat marketing professionals for breakfast as they walk slowly in the airport under the weight of their palm pilots and croissants.  Either that or you will develop a dull and uncomfortable constant pain and a slight addiction to the pain reliever Advil.  Either way-- the rolling bag sucks.

Being openly competitive:  First year is over striver.  Nothing is worse than showing up in an elective class to over hear first semester second years who didn't make law review trying to overcompensate by announcing they plan to  give  everyone in class the snow job.  Relax.  First of all, most of us are in these electives because we have had the professors before and they know us and we know them.  The whole reason we are there is because we have likely gotten a B from them   before and we are hoping to get another B because we have to take something else that is hard or not interesting.  No one is even slightly impressed with your bold faced ambition and unbeknown to you there are probably about 4 quiet guys sitting in the back of the class room who the rest of us know are on law review/are brilliant/etc.  so do not bother shooting your mouth off.  Instead, lose the attitude and just enjoy the class.  You're finally in a elective where you can study something interesting without worrying about how other people in class are doing, so do not ruin it for me.

Complain about people in law school:  OK, so I used to be as guilty of this as anyone, but that is sooo 2004 now.  Also, I would like to think that my general complaints were about law school in general and it's competitive nature.  Complaining about how it is like high school or how people gossip is about as bad as being the same way you were in high school or gossiping.  Get used to the fact that people are like this everywhere.  On top of the everything else, realize that you in fact are a law student.  There are many types of people in law school who do in fact suck but open your eyes and recognize there is a diverse crowd of people here (including you) and they do not all suck.

Tell me not to make fun of people on Law Review: Even though Matt, plus a few casual acquaintances are on law review, this does not take away my GOD GIVEN RIGHT to mock them.  I am not bitter that I didn't make it at this point, but keep in mind that making fun of law review is like making fun of rich people- it's perfectly OK.  Part of being rich/being on law review is that you have certain perks in life that everyone else doesn't have, thus you have to bear the barbs of those who don't have these perks.  Hopefully if you are on law review you are smart enough to understand how this isn't such a bad deal.  Fascist.

Give me a hard time because I did something other than study this weekend:  Yes, I realize we probably all have to spend a few weekends studying every once and a while-- and most likely should be doing more than that.  However, do not under any circumstances try to make me feel guilty for doing something fun.  Hopefully you have realized at this point that I handle my own affairs and I do not need you being a study snob to me because you do not have any friends and I decided I needed more than an 8 hour period off from reading.

"I'm Planning a Prison Break..."

Depending on whether I have had the chance to speak to you in the last few weeks, you may or may not be aware of the seeming crisis I encountered in terms of financing the final year of law school.  I won't get into the details, but the bottom line is that something has been figured and with the aid of my part time job, I oughta be able to make it out of here alive and on the original plan of graduating in May.

When I met with the various deans at school I came to find I am one of only a small number of people taking seventeen credits and with the addition of a part time job I find myself pretty busy.  In some ways I am flashing back to first year when I was working full time and going to school, but I honestly think I can say I have matured a certain amount and can handle things a bit better now (plus any law student can tell you the psychological difference between first year and any other year is very significant).

I know I've written about this before on here, but I find myself thinking almost every day now that I have only a little less than a year to go now including the bar exam and I just need to get out.  I have no idea if people feel like this with jobs or not-- I've certainly had jobs I really wanted to leave, but this feels very different.  Even though I can honestlysay I  loved my college, when it was time to graduate I wanted to leave-- this feels very different.  There's no savoring going on here, mostly just a strange concoction of anxiety, dread, and impatience that makes little or no rational sense except to say I fear the bar and I fear getting/doing a real job as a lawyer, but at the same time I am indescribably impatient to get out of law school.  Working as much as someone with a full time job but not getting paid for it isn't terribly rewarding on a day to day basis.  Sure, I'll admit that the ability to not have class till 2 or 3 some days or not at all others sounds nice, but the truth of the matter is that I should be doing work during that time-- and more and more I am realizing I am terminally behind when I don't. 

In some ways it is just another learning experience you don't realize you signed up for when you went to law school-- I know I didn't.  In the past when I was busy there was a sense of overwhelming that I couldn't decipher, but now I feel I at least have a sense of how to strike the balance that is necessary to keep my personal life, maintain good grades, do the part time job, and get all the lose ends that seem to come with law school done.