Sanity Hearing

Comments on Matt's Post

Per as usual, I urge you to read the post which I am commenting on in its entirety .

I have a great deal of respect for Matt's opinion, but upon discussion with Matt I have come to personal conclusion about the "let's just be friends" situation.  At great personal risk, I will extol what I believe to be the situation with the "let's just be friends" ending of relationships, something I have been on both the imparting and receiving ends of.

Relationships are menacing and messy beasts, even in the most casual form, wrought with such well known hazards as emotions.  Matt points out several situations in which the "let's just be friends" (hear after referred to as LJBF) is utilized by a selfish party as a means to place the other person on the back burner while he or she indulges in their hedonistic desires with whatever brand of pond scum seems most available at the moment.  Frankly, I do not wish to deal with this group, as I have never faced this situation and find this to be the work of a tricky brand of weasel, from whose extinction society as a whole would undoubtedly benefit.

The second group is what I do wish to deal with here.  As I mentioned previously, relationships are a very tricky species.  Frequently you find yourself with what you percieve to be a fire with a water soaked log on it, smoke and steam hissing out of what appears to be a smoldering and dying fire-- do you stick your hand in and try to flip the log around?  No- this seems foolish the other side could be covered with red hot coals ready to give you a third degree burn.  Like asking what is in sausage or oysters, you are better off not knowing.   

LJBF is not a synopsis of the situation, as some people mistakenly believe,  but rather of proposal of what to do now.   I once dated a girl who was constantly in the practice of discussing our relationship and my personality in excrutiating detail.  Although I had a great fondness for her and a strong hope for the relationship, this very behavior contributed heavily to the eventual bad ending of our association- resulting in a mutual anomisity.  As I said- people rarely enjoy being picked apart and analyzed unless it is done in a positive light and relationships are not very different (See sausage metaphor), you are better off not discussing what made it work or fail in too great a detail. 

LJBF generally occurs at a stage when a party has already made up their mind that they are in the smoldering log situation.  Despite the initial promise of a crackling and cozy fire, things are not working out as they had hoped and it is now time for them to throw another log on the romantic fire-- they would like you to stay on as a friend to see if things don't pan out in a different aspect (as opposed to getting a welding glove,  grabbing you quickly and running through the kitchen to an open back door where they tose you in the deep  snow and then douse you with a bucket of tap water, then beat you with a metal poker to ensure no hot coals remain).  What I view the LJBF situation as is a proposal.  There is no analysis of the past situation, because frankly that would be very dangerous.  Much like a general sending an emissary to the opposing side's field marshall proposing a mutual truce, you offer a chance to end the situation now and return to your respective homes with the situation frozen as is.  You are not analyzing which mortar blast made you decide that perhaps you no longer wished to fight- but rather suggesting you both live to fight another day.  You are saying- "Listen, the best thing in this situation is that I propose we become friends."  Personally, I believe this can be a very positive endeavor.  I have become friends with one or two people with whom I was romantically involved and I consider the whole experience to be a natural and zesty enterprise, as Russell would say "adding value" to my life and hopefully theirs.

What's Love Got to Do With It

In the immortal words of Tina Turner, "What's love got to do, got to do, got do with it?" 

I am really against Valentine's day, mostly because the modern holiday has so little to do with love.  Instead of an opportunity to express your love for people, it seems more like a forced obligation for people in relationships to go through the motions and for single girls to feel depressed and increase the sales for Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream.  I am actually all for making people feel special, expressing yourself, and that whole mountain of propaganda that Hallmark and the Florist's Association of America has brainwashed people into believing; however, I get the impression that Valentine's involves so little of any of these things.  Not everyone, but many people, seem to do things that are very contrived.  My real point here is that if you feel all these things about someone you should be capable of doing them without a special day and on top of that I assure you that the element of suprise will be far more appreciated by someone than by the feeling of a fulfillment of an obligation. 

Mesmerizing

At the risk of alienating any female readership I have and with the caveat that I do not find Paris Hilton to be as attractive as everyone makes her out to be, I still find this picture mesmerizing for some reason:

Pic

View from the West Side

The following is a "guest post" by Derek. I may add Derek on as an additional author, but in this page's infancy I am just going to post his article below. Hope you enjoy.
-JP

Starbucks Anxiety

I could feel the beads of sweat forming on my brow in the air-conditioned lobby. It was a hot sunny day out side and I had stepped in to the shop on my companion's bequest. Now, I was standing at the front of what had been a long line. The air was filled with the rich smell of coffee beans, which for a moment settled my nerves.

Then, there I was. Standing at the counter. Staring at a board full of information that I couldn't process. Grande, Tall, Latte, Expresso, Chai, I was speechless. Unsure, insecure, and timid, I ordered a water. My companion, on the other hand, ordered something with caramel and whip-cream with a name so confusing that I dare not even attempt to spell it here. I gave them a ten-dollar bill and then gave me $1.72 in return. I left the two pennies on the table (as my life is now penny free) and gave my hand to my companion who led me out of the bistro and back into the warm light. As she said, in a disappointed tone "I wish you had tried the (mochalatteexpressochaicicle), I think you would really have liked it.".

This, my friends, was my Starbucks experience from last weekend.

I try, once a year to class myself up, have a cup from Starbucks, and every year I fail. You see. I just can't do it. I can't figure out how to order, I can't figure out what to order, and if I do pick something I have no idea what it is.

Therefore, I am proposing that the Seattle based company publish a cheat sheet to Starbucks, capitalizing on the recent success of the "For Dummies" Books. That's right folks, "Starbucks for Dummies". Think what a great ploy that would be, think how many sophisticated women will buy it for their Red Sox obsessed boyfriends.

It wouldn't actually have to be a real book, just a cheat sheet. That said things like "If you want a large cup of coffee order….x" or "An ice coffee type drink is a …..x"

All I am talking about is leveling the playing field. You see here is the thing. My impression is that Starbucks must be really good. It is always packed. JP, for instance, he drinks Starbucks and loves it and he and I
agree on most things. So why should guys like me not be able to enjoy what others find delightful simply because of our own insecurities and unculturedness. Yes, I just made up a word.

Anyway, I think we should start a petition or something, because I'm going to need a Starbucks cheat-sheet. More importantly, I really do want to impress this girl.

In the meantime, I'll be at Dunkin' Donuts pondering why they always change the side the men's section is on at the gap so I always end up looking at women's jeans. I guess that is a story for another day….

------
Derek lives in Connecticut and is a frequent contributor to Sanity Hearing. He loves the Boston Red Sox, the NFL and his yellow car. That's right, he actually drives a yellow car.

Breaking up is hard to do

Very recently a close friend of mine called off his relationship with his fiance less than a month before the wedding. Initially the news shocked me. Many people, especially women, that I have spoken to since it occurred react to the story more seriously than the men. More than anything else, most older men I've spoken to, like the attorney in the office I work in, quickly recognize that it was a good decision. If my friend truly felt that his relationship was not one he wanted to be in for the rest of his life, better to make the decision while the law is still uninvolved (divorce) and there are not yet any children or major assets like a home. It took some massive cahones to do what he did, but in the end everyone involved will be better off because of his guts.

So what do I take away from this personally? Well in many respects I am still not sure, but the most immediate reactions I have are about how people my age should not be involved in too serious of a relationship. For one thing, despite our "grown up" functions in society I think people in their twenties are still changing and maturing and a rapid rate. Because of the amount of change occurring pairing off with a mate who will be compatable for life seems daunting at best. In addition, I am a strong proponet of the fact that real change comes from within. If you want to make a change, it has to happen internally. I think that at this age there are still a lot of changes and developments going on in our lives and to couple that with someone else could be potentially stunting to growth.

In some respects I feel slightly guilty somehow. For a long time I had looked at this friend and his g.f. and had been a tad jealous. It was not until now that I realized that he had been a little jealous of me and his single friends for sometime. The irony is not lost on me.